Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
