I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize