I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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