I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
we're making bets on your personal life
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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