Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize