he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
jump out the window naked night went bad
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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