my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
