he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
