I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
