Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
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