I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
