Dude my mom stole all your condoms
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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