Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
