apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
