Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
