just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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