New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
