Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize