So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
