I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
