Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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