even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Im part way to drunk.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
