if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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