At least make sure they are 18
Why
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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