I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
