what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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