woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize