there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
