happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
