I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
