I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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