cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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