I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I party with great urgency now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
