if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Pooping to opera.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
