are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
