Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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