nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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