Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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