Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
