I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
