My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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