Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
