I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
God I need to hump something, right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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