yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
