i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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