We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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