ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
