I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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