the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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