god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
