sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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