he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
