She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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