nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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