It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
