I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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