He had one of those small greek statue penises
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
