I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I understand Curling. That high.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You dont lie about slip and slides
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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