no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
