He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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