1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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