so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize