A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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