i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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